Just don’t do any of these. Seriously.
You always remember your best lovers and also your worst lovers. Since you’d probably prefer to be remembered in a positive light, if you care enough you can accomplish this with ease. With a little selflessness, care and attention to detail, you can at least keep yourself off the “worst” list.
If I can save even one man or one woman from having a headache inducing experience in bed, it’s a mitzvah.
1. Kissing with gum in your mouth.
I don’t know why this bothers me, but it really drives me insane.
First of all, how do you even do this? Do you hide the gum under your tongue while you kiss? That seems more difficult than just throwing the gum out. It’s immature, lazy and a huge turnoff.
If you can’t spit your gum out, I can’t kiss you.
2. Going too fast.
Rushing foreplay, or even worse, skipping it entirely is the cardinal sin of S3x. As “high-schoolish” as it may seem there are four bases for a reason. Go in order or they don’t work.
If you are about to have S3x with a woman and she isn’t turned on, go back to first base and start again. Trying to force your way in is both painful and rude. Women take longer than men to get aroused. And spitting on your hand is not considered foreplay.
3. Not listening.
Unless you have a genuine hearing problem there is no excuse for this. When a woman tells you she likes what you’re doing and not to stop, listen to her. I’ve had too many botched Org*sms because my partner didn’t listen to me and there was a sudden change in motion, speed, or intensity.
Also, when a woman squeals “ouch,” that means it hurts. When you hear that word you need to stop whatever it is that you’re doing immediately, or do it more gently or slower. The one thing not to do is continue what the “ouch” induced in the first place.
4. Not letting the woman come first.
Always let the woman come first, or die trying. I don’t care what you have to do to make this happen. Figure it out.
One thing not to do is keep telling her you want her to come or that you’re waiting for her to come. That is an extremely pressure inducing statement that will guarantee to stress her out and will ultimately backfire.
5. Being selfish.
Laying back with your hands behind your head and expecting a woman to service you while you do nothing to her is hysterical. And by hysterical I mean pathetic.
Yes, of course we get turned on by pleasing you too, but it’s a two way street. Needless to say, we don’t get turned on just by looking at you unless you’re Bradley Cooper.
6. Bad hygiene.
It’s very disconcerting when you’re with a man to whom you’re insanely attracted and he has dirty hands, or worse – dirty fingernails. You can’t help but wonder what else is dirty, especially what you can’t see.
7. Going down on a woman for too long or not long enough.
There is for sure a happy medium here, although clearly that will be different for everyone.
Going down on someone for a minute means you’re lazy, not really interested, and just trying to get an “A” for effort. This is always transparent and never appreciated. It begs the question: Why bother?
On the flip side spending an hour down there is simply overkill. Quite frankly it gets boring and we just want the real thing. I’ve literally had fights with men over this. I’ve wanted to have S3x and they wanted to keep going. Don’t torture us because it’s “what you like doing.” Listen to us (refer to Lesson #3).
8. Trying to take control of the vibrator.
No, you can’t hold the vibrator! It just doesn’t work like that. You’re not four years old and it’s not your toy. If we ask you to help that’s one thing, but if you think you know the exact right spot to hold it you’re insane. It’s simply impossible for another person to figure that out.
9. Bragging about how good you are before anything happens.
Nine out of ten times the only thing that achieves is setting your partner up for disappointment. Be humble. Be quiet. Show. Don’t tell. If you’re good, we’ll be the first to tell you.
10. Being too quiet.
I don’t need an ongoing monologue, but please show me that you’re alive, and hopefully enjoying yourself. Zero communication and complete silence feels very disconnected, detached and just plain weird.
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